


In another life, in another place

by BananoweBudynie



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Car rides, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Light Angst, M/M, NCT Dream - Freeform, SWEET BOYS, nct - Freeform, nomin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:15:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24353479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BananoweBudynie/pseuds/BananoweBudynie
Summary: Wishing for help was always futile, because who would ever help a burdensome peron just like him?
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 58





	In another life, in another place

**Author's Note:**

> It's my first work after almost 1,5 a year but writing it brought me so much comfort and joy, I decided to share it with you. Hope you like it.

Na Jaemin was never supposed to be the one. Maybe in another life, in another place, but never in this one.

It was Jeno’s and only Jeno’s fault that he went to the party. To believe things were better, that he could just go on with his life without any consequences, was foolish – foolish to hope things changed, when he damn well knew some things never could. He was old enough to remember that running from your own self, from what was living inside you, was a meaningless escape.

_Breathe in. Breathe out._

Lee Jeno never liked parties. The intoxicated mass of senseless people, alcohol not of his taste and the ever existing horniness in the air weren’t what Jeno called fun. It just wasn’t his thing. Being forced to attend such social gatherings never ended up well. There was something he liked about parties, though. Dancing. Dancing had always been Jeno’s thing – to flow with music and strain his body meant freedom to him.

That’s why Jeno ridiculously thought going to a party would be a good way to forget – about the unfinished assignments, books he had to read and his shift in the pastry shop the next day. He though he could dance the whole night, drink with some strangers, make small talk. He desperately tried not to think that he came here just to shut up the voice at the back of his head, repeatedly saying the same words.

_You’re never going to have life, if you don’t go out._

Truth is Jeno wasn’t scared of socializing, wasn’t scared of meeting new people and talking to them, even though, it always came with huge effort. He liked drinking, short breaks for a smoke that ended up three cigarettes later and dancing came as easy as breathing to him – without any difficulty.

But Lee Jeno was afraid of his own self.

It was something he couldn’t fight, couldn’t suppress, winning over it was never an option. He had to live with it, accept it and just acknowledge that this was his life. That was exactly what he did and he felt fine. For so many months everything was just fine and so Jeno tried to go and socialize, to pretend he was just like any other collage student.

He wasn’t.

It started somewhere after midnight – with slight shivers, which at first Jeno mistaken for being cold. He just got inside from smoking another cigarette. But the shivers never stopped. Then came the twisting inside his stomach, shortening of breath and overpowering dizziness.

Expectations of finally having a normal life came tumbling down.

Miraculously, he found himself an unoccupied bathroom and even though, he stumbled into someone on his way there, being locked away from the noisy party did bring him a tiny bit of comfort. It was just him and his misery now. Jeno looked himself in the mirror – pale face, unfocused gaze, trembling lips. It didn’t happen for such a long time, he almost forgot what the fear make out of him. Almost.

There was no way, he was staying at the party any longer. He just had to calm down enough to be able to get into a cab and survive the ride home. Jeno reach for the phone, he had in the pocket of his jeans, and tried unlocking it but the screen never lightened up. Battery dead.

The world started to spin, Jeno’s stomach twisting painfully and air leaving his lungs. _Breathe in. Breathe out._ He chanted in his head but his thoughts were hazy, images from his mind overcoming reality and if it weren’t for his hand on the sink, he would have been long laying on the floor.

Then there was knocking – soft but constant – and it helped Jeno bring himself back to reality. Someone was on the other side of the door. Company was the last thing Jeno wanted right now but the knocking helped him focus just a little.

“Hey, are you alright? You bumped into me on the stairs. You didn’t look well.”

_Focus, focus, focus on the words._ Jeno didn’t want anyone to see him like this for he hated the feeling of weakness all over his body.

“It’s you. Jeno, right? We have art management together.”

Jeno couldn’t recognize the person’s voice due to the screeching inside his head and the sudden increase of dizziness. But if it was someone he knew, he could just tell them he was fine and they would be gone soon. _Breathe in. Breathe out._ Slowly he made his way to the door, trying not to dwell on the upcoming sickness at the back of his throat. He could do it.

He unlocked the door and pushed it open – just the slightest – to see, who was standing on the other side. Jeno expected anyone, truly anyone, except Na Jaemin. The Na Jaemin, who was the biggest talk between students since the day one. The Na Jaemin, who made girls and boys swoon with just a quick glance. The only person Jeno had ever seen having bright blue hair and still looking handsome.

Na Jaemin was an untouchable good, exquisite in his own being but most importantly he was someone Jeno would never ever even talk to.

He was about to say, he was fine, that Jaemin didn’t have to worry, but the words didn’t come out. Instead the sickness hit Jeno with full force and soon he was making a beeline towards the toilet. His knees hit the floor, core trembled and soon he was emptying his stomach into the toilet bowl. So much for making good impression on the popular boy.

Jeno couldn’t even care. All he was thinking about were the cold shivers coming down his spine and the sickness in his throat, the hard floor digging into his legs, his trembling hands and the wetness in his eyes. He had been fine for so many months. His vision was clouded by a fake sense of safety. Jeno could never escape, what lived inside him.

First, there was a hand on his back, rubbing soothing circles into his muscles. Then there was the voice – this strange voice, always on the edge of high pitched and deep low. Jeno tried to focus on Jaemin’s presence, to grasp onto it and pull himself out of this misery. But focusing wasn’t an easy task.

Jeno pushed himself away from the toilet and sat on the floor, legs close to his chest and arms shaking around his knees. There was nothing more humiliating than letting anyone see him like this – weak, defenseless, broken. At all cost, Jeno avoided looking the other boy in the eyes.

“Can you hear me?” Jaemin was crouching right before him but Jeno was too scared to see the look on his face. “Did you take something? Those rainbow pills downstairs?”

Maybe Jeno should have told him _yes, I drugged myself_ , or maybe he should have said that it was too much alcohol. He should have lied but the words died on his tongue and never made their way out.

“Do you want me to call anyone?”

_God, Jeno was so pathetic._

“I’m not drunk.” Jeno finally pushed the words out of his throat. It hurt, the knowledge of anyone seeing, knowing how weak he was. It hurt. He felt a burning sting behind his eyes but he didn’t sob, didn’t cry – he held it in. “I’m not on drugs.” And he trembled more.

Although, the presence of another person made it easier for Jeno to focus on his surroundings and not the thoughts flowing in his mind, he hoped Jaemin would leave him alone. It was so humiliating to be seen in such a state.

Fingers. Slim fingers found their way under his chin and gently made him look up. Jeno bit into his lower lip to stand the shame. He tasted blood.

“What’s wrong?” Jaemin was softness – smudged curves and supple lines. If Jeno could think clearly, he would have loved to meet Jaemin in another life, in another place and have a decent talk with him for the first time.

“It’s just,” Jeno blinked to get away from Jaemin’s searching eyes and with difficulty commanded his hands to stop from shaking even more “I’m sorry. I was fine for so long.” He was rumbling, lost in words that just came to his mind. He was scared to say it out loud but at the same time, there was no other way to explain to Jaemin, what was happening. “Anxiety,” he finally said. A short silence. “I have anxiety disorder.”

The fingers from under his chin disappeared and for a moment Jeno believed (or hoped) Jaemin was going to freak out and leave him like this. Instead, Jaemin’s hands settled on Jeno’s knees – warm and gentle – and when Jeno looked up, he found a pair of black eyes filled with kindness.

“Do you want me to drive you home? I have a car, didn’t drink anything tonight.”

Even though, the anxiety haze and the tornado of thoughts in his mind, Jeno couldn’t think about one person that ever helped him without freaking out. Not until now.

“I might get sick again.” Jeno said, because it was true. His panic attacks differed from one another. Sometimes he spent the whole night vomiting his soul out. Other times it happened once or twice and the crisis was over. He never knew.

“We’ll work it out.” Jaemin stood up and offered his hands to Jeno.

Humiliation was part of him for few years now. No matter his bulked-up muscles and the confident vibe around him, the anxiety could always turn him into a weak mess that couldn’t handle himself. Jeno learned not to expect people to help him.

“Thank you.” He raised his hands and held onto Jaemin.

Finding stability on his feet wasn’t the easiest of tasks but he soon got a hang of it. He reached the sink, where he rinsed his mouth thrice, and then splashed his face and neck with icy water – to cool down his skin and the heated storm inside his head. The whole time Jaemin’s warm hand had been on his back – rubbing tender circles.

As soon as they left the bathroom – arm in arm – Jeno felt the shivers once again running down his whole body. Unconsciously, he bit into his lower lip, trying to keep the humiliation and anger inside. He felt like crying, just crying the frustration out, because he was helpless and, for God’s sake, he just dreamed about finally being a grown up man.

Soon there was fresh air around him and his lungs filled more easily. _Breathe in. Breathe out._ The pounding of his heart did not stop and although, he thought the screeching in his ears subdued, he realized he was wrong, when Jaemin wrapped his warm fingers around his biceps to catch his attention.

“Hey,” he said softly, nudging Jeno to look his way. “Focus on me. The car is this way.”

Jeno could only nod his head and slowly follow Jaemin, though his mind was slowly shutting itself down. The thoughts were going faster and faster, as if a waterfall opened up in his head, letting out all that his mind could ever come up with. They weren’t only intrusive thoughts. Most of them were random, but they flowed quickly, pulling Jeno far, far away from reality.

Before they reached the car, Jeno once again emptied his stomach, this time on someone’s lawn. His core shook, knees gave out and soon he found himself kneeling on the ground with his hands in the grass. His cheeks burned from humiliation.

“We’re almost there.” Jaemin’s chilly hand suddenly made contact with Jeno’s hot face but the difference in temperature brought him slight relief. Jeno knew that whatever good impression he could make, his chance was over. There was no turning back from what just happened. Some time later, when his mind got back to reality, he would apologize to Jaemin for the night, for being a burden, and that would be all. They would never talk again.

But for now, Jeno needed to get back home and only this mattered.

True to Jaemin’s words, soon after he hailed Jeno off the ground, they reached the car. Jaemin gave Jeno a bottle of water to rinse his mouth, then helped him into the passenger’s seat. Just as Jaemin got into the drivers seat and was about to turn on the engine, Jeno reached and grabed at the other boy’s wrist.

“Do you have a hoodie or jacket?” he asked through his slightly chattering teeth. “I have to fight the shivers.”

Jaemin reached to the backseat and in the process Jeno’s fingers slipped from his wrist. Jeno immediately twisted his hands into his own shirt to ground them, to stop them from shaking and steady himself. His eyes shut close and the whirl of thoughts downed on him once again. He was losing the sense of reality, his body numbing but mind going at full speed. He didn’t feel this helpless in months and almost, almost forgot how bad he could lose himself. Soon there was warm and fluffy material pulled over him, tucked gently under his chin. A blanket.

“You there, Jeno?” Jaemin’s voice had a strange, unnamable lull that made it impossible to decide, whether his voice was deep of high pitched. It produced a full variety of tones in each and every word. Jeno opened his eyes with his gaze unfocused and steadily recited his home address. Jaemin must have took that as a permission to start the car.

The air in the vehicle was stable but too suffocating for Jeno, so the boy slipped his hand from under the blanket and rolled the window down. Warm, spring air hit his face and his lungs expanded with the feeling of being alive. _Breathe in. Breathe out._ He loved car rides – the sound of engine gently humming in his ears, breeze in his hair and music playing into the night. Jaemin didn’t turn on the radio and Jeno’s stomach was twisting way too painfully to bring him the comfort he so desperately needed but maybe, just maybe, with more incentives around him he could try and fight out of the haze of his mind.

“Can you talk?” he found himself saying.

“What do you want me to talk about?” Jaemin asked, as if Jeno’s question wasn’t even a bit weird.

“Anything,” Jeno let the word carefully out and needed to take few breaths in, before he could continue. “Just need to hear your voice. It helps focus.”

“Um, okay, so it might be a bit late for it but it’s nice to meet you, I’m Na Jaemin.” His voice looped and tilted a pitch higher. It was carefree and playful and liberated and anything that Jeno himself felt at the moment. Because Jeno was suffocating in his own shell of anxiety and the twisting in his stomach and the damn shivering of his body and he could only wish his life was as peaceful as Jaemin’s voice. “I’m 21 years old and I am totally a dog person. I know you from the art management class. Two weeks ago I was bored, so I dyed my hair blue, as you can see. It’s pretty, isn’t it?”

Jeno turned his gaze from the road and looked at Jaemin, who attentively drove the car but kept on talking. He was rumbling a bit, stating random facts, sometimes just saying out loud words – both in Korean and English. Jeno still wasn’t at the point of being able to focus on everything that Jaemin said but he was a small step closer to at least partially clearing his mind.

“How are you feeling?” Jaemin suddenly asked and it took Jeno way too long to comprehend that he had to formulate an answer. “Tell me, if you want me to pull over.”

“’s okay,” Jeno muttered. The shaking in his core subdued a bit and it got easier to bare. Even his stomach loosened a little. “Jaemin.”

“Yes?” They stopped at the red light and the blue-haired boy turned his head to meet Jeno’s gaze. In another life, in another time, Jeno wouldn’t have ever shown his weak and humiliating self to a person like Na Jaemin. In another life, in another place, Jeno would confidently come up to a person like Na Jaemin, would have shown him his best virtues – would have left only best impressions.

In another life Jeno would invite such a beautiful and caring person like Na Jaemin on a date.

“Why are you doing this? Helping me, I mean,” Jaemin held Jeno’s gaze only for a second after his question and soon turned his head back to the road. It’s the green light, Jeno tells himself. “I’m a disgusting mess.”

Jaemin’s eyes followed the road and he almost looked unaffected by Jeno’s question. As if he didn’t even hear it. If it only weren’t for his fingers unrhythmically tapping on the steering wheel. Jeno immediately sensed, he might have touched a sensitive subject, so he opened his mouth to take the question back, to say Jaemin didn’t have to answer at all, that it was just his stupid curiosity, but the slow processing of his mind didn’t come up with anything before Jaemin started his speech.

“My noona had anxiety disorder too,” His voice pulled to the deeper side, drenched with sudden emptiness. Jeno’s focus stayed on the word “had” and his lips tug up at the corners just a tiny bit, because he believed Jaemin’s sister was well and healthy now. “Her… case made me realize that sometimes we only understand anxiety, when it gets really bad but sometimes– sometimes it’s just too late.”

And Jeno’s heart sank at that, because he was wrong, so wrong. His stomach twisted again and he could feel the tell-tale of what he was going to feel like tomorrow. It always happened a day after the anxiety attack. The overwhelming feeling of being a broken person, with no prospect for future, never dreaming of relationships, because who could ever love such a burdensome human being? After that would come a quick and faint thought that maybe there was no place in the world for him and living didn’t have a point.

“I’m sorry,” he starts quickly. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.”

“You deserve an explanation,” Jeno watched as Jaemin’s hands tighten on the steering wheel. “When we bumped into each other on the stairs, I saw your face and knew something wasn’t right. It was the look in your eyes. Noona once had the same one.” He too rolled down his own window and his blue hair waved around his head. “The worry kicked in, you know? It was like an instinct, I couldn’t help myself.”

After his words they fell silent. Jeno’s mind was still in thousand of places at the same time but it kept on coming back to Jaemin’s story. He wanted to say something, something right, but the words died in his throat. He placed his hand on the armrest between then, only to find Jaemin’s one already there and soon they were holding hands, fingers gently wrapped around each other. It was a little weird holding an almost stranger by a hand but it was not uncomfortable. There was something soothing in the gesture.

“Thank you, Jaemin, for helping me.”

Jaemin squeezed his hand slightly.

“It’s nothing,” he said. “And please don’t call yourself disgusting ever again.”

“But it’s true. I am a fucking, gross mess and nobody would ever– “

“Stop!” Jaemin’s voice tilted up but this time in annoyance. The car stopped and Jeno was one hundred percent sure Jaemin did that in anger but he soon realized they already made it to his block. “The anxiety does not define you.” Jeno wanted to argue, to say that anxiety did in fact define his whole life, but Jaemin only tightened his hold on his hand and turned towards him. “In our class you’re the smart one. The professors like you, students do too. And you’re like the hottest guy in our year and tonight doesn’t change it.”

They held their gaze for a moment but then Jaemin turns, gets out of the car and soon opens the ones on Jeno’s side. His mind is still nowhere near working properly and on time.

“Come on, let’s get you to your apartment.”

Jaemin helped him out of the car and winded the blanket around Jeno’s shoulders for extra warmth. He wanted to lead the both of them inside but Jeno stood with his back to the car and opened his lunges for the fresh air to clear his head. _Breathe in. Breathe out._

“So, I’m hot, huh?” he said and his knees shook, while his core once again started shivering but he took it, just the way it came. He let the anxiety consume him, wash over him and when he blinked again, the shivers halted. “Nobody ever told me that.”

“Don’t tell me you’re unaware?” Jaemin’s hands found Jeno’s ones and their eyes met again, though with little difficulty on Jeno’s side. His mind was still flowing everywhere and nowhere. “Focus on me, Lee Jeno. You’re going to be fine.”

_You’re going to be fine_.

“I have to go.” Jeno said pushing himself of the car, a step closer to Jaemin, which ended in their noses barely brushing. In another life, in another place, Jeno would have kissed Jaemin right there and then.

“Yeah, you’re right, we have to go.” Their noses brushed one more time and then Jaemin took a step back, though he didn’t let go of Jeno’s hands.

“We?”

“You don’t think I’m just going to leave you alone like this?”

It was dark with only the light of a street lamp over them and Jaemin’s blue hair casted pale hue over his face, black eyes shining. In the middle of one of Jeno’s worst nights, the beautiful and popular boy wanted to spend a night at his place. The timing couldn’t have been worse.

“You should leave. I’m probably going to get sick again, once I try to fall asleep. Nothing to be proud of.” He tried to untangle his hands from Jaemin’s ones but the other boy held onto him for dear life and it did break Jeno’s heart. To see him so set on helping.

On being able to save a life.

“Then I’ll just invite myself in.” Jaemin said, though his voice was losing some of the confidence with which he radiated before.

It would be perfect to have someone like Jaemin next to him. Someone who knew about anxiety, who wouldn’t be grossed out, who would be willing to accept him. And maybe, just maybe, Jeno didn’t have to wonder about another life, another place or another time. Maybe, just maybe, he could still have it here. Now.

_Breathe in. Breathe out._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Hope you enjoyed this short story. Please, leave kudos and comments - it's always a pleasure to read, what you guys think about my works, so that I can improve my writing.   
> The title comes from Bastille's song - Another Place.  
> Also, please note that English is not my first language. I am sorry for any mistakes. 
> 
> Stay safe, stay healthy!
> 
> If you're interested in some of my random thoughts, here is my ig acc: @real__bananapud


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